First Entry
Mood:  not sure
Topic: First Impression
Hi. This is my first blog and I am writing to get a few things out. Okay. First and foremost, a litte about me. I consider myself a genuine person. I care a lot about people and maybe that is why becoming a physician has been such a huge goal in my life. At 23, I have gone through so much shit that people are surprised when I tell them abotu my life. That is not to say that I think others haven't gone through worse stuff than I, but, in my experience, I don't know anyone that went through major life stressors (multiple ones) in a short period of time. See, I was the kind of person that fell in love instantly. I believed in honesty. I believed in friendships. I believed in myself. But somewhere between second year of college and graduation day, I went through a whirlwind of emotions. My second year of college was a the beginning of my downfall. I lived with three other girls and I felt out of place. They were three blonde girls and I was the dark-haired pre-med. I didn't feel like I belonged. I just wanted to be happy. At that point, I became a vegan and started working out almost everyday in addition to my schedule of Organic Chemistry, Physics, Biochemistry, and Biology. I did surprisingly well that year. I lost about 40 lbs., felt very healthy, and I received high marks. I was in the Dean's Honor List for the first time in my college career and I was invited to join two honor societies. I felt that my life was finally balanced. I moved in the following year with two of my roommates and two of their friends making it into 5 girls living in a three bedroom. It was a new place, a whole new group of friends, and new possibilties. Mind you, I never had a boyfriend. my father was strict and honestly, I just didn't have time. So in my junior year, when I met my future boyfriend, I was in awe. He was smart, handsome, and very funny. I wanted him to want me and i didn't think anything would come out of it because things like that usually didn't work out for me. But on February 14, 2002, Adam and I had our first date. Being a hopeless romantic, I thought the date was a sign. I can honestly say that I loved him with all my heart. So much so that I became a different person. I was truly happy. I never imagined that we would be apart. My roommates didn't like him as my boyfriend. Most of my friends didn't like how he acted and I constantly got their comments about how I should be careful, that maybe he was playing me, etc. The idea of his infidelty really hurt me. Really truly hurt me. I became jealous of every girl that paid a little more attention to him. I just didn't understand why he would intentionally want to hurt me. Case in point, his upstairs neighbor, upon hearing that we were a couple, came to me and said that there was a sexual tension between them and almost everyone wanted them to have sex and get it over with. Hello? For a person who never has been in a relationship, that isn't something I want to hear. I told him this, and he laughted it off. But, at times when i was going over there, she would be there, laying on his bed, talking to me as if nothing was unusual. Looking back, I wish that I had stood up for myself and broken up with him. But, I was too in love with the idea of being in love. I thought that if I break up with him, that if I become alone again, then who knows when someone else might come into my life that made me feel like that. So, I pushed it aside, I pushed it aside until it burst, and I was so angry, and hurt and I felt so low, so low that when I went over to a friend's party I drank so much that I literally had to hold on to the grass to prevent myself from falling. And I became so enwrapped with what it may have felt like if I had cheated. I wanted to know how it would feel to do exactly what Adam did. So, I strayed. After that, I felt guilty for what I had done, I felt dirty, I felt like a fool. I told him what happened and that I was truly sorry, but he didn't want to hear it. He threw me out of his house and I left crying as if my family had died. Note: this all occured the summer when i was taking my MCAT to get into Medical school so you can only imagine the stress I was under. Things after that became so strange. We were together, but we weren't. He would treat me like shit, and I, obviously lacking in confidence, did everything and anything for him to want me the way he wanted me before. I helped him pack to leave for Boston. I cooked for him. I did everything I could to show him that I was truly sorry and ashamed for what I had done and that I still loved him. The night before he was to leave for Boston, a friend of mine came and told me that he was caught in the bathroom with some girl at her party, way before everything went bad. I couldn't believe it. I felt sick. This whole time. This whole time I thought I was the worst person. And all along he played the victim perfectly, knowing he had cheated. She told me that someone had caught them and there was a fight because most of the people there were my friends. She wanted to tell me this because she had heard about what had happened with us. I couldn't believe it. For my final year in Davis, I went into depression. My grades fell, my roommates, who I had assumed were my friends, blatantly told me not to talk about my problems. They were fed up, annoyed, and couldn't fathom sitting and talking with me, like I had done multiple times for them. I felt alone. I felt so alone. I was so deep in depression that I didn't attend my graduation ceremony and I had to take a year off. I started getting panic attacks. And On January 1, 2004, I overdosed on my anxiety medication and cut myself. I felt numb, I felt stupid, I felt like I missed something. I saw what was my life slipping away. Due to my poor grades my final year, I was nervous about getting into medical school. My parents were disappointed, my father constantly asked how many rejections I was receiving. I gained so much weight from all the medications and the depression. I went from a size 0-2 to a size 9. I felt ugly, disgusting, and terrified. I lost any confidence I had.

Somehow, in the last year, I have slowly regained a bit of confidence. I did get into medical school and I did become a litte more happier about myself, but I still can't trust anyone anymore.

My "friends" from college are no longer present in my life, with the exception of one friend who stood by me through the worst moments of my life.

As of right now, I cannot trust people as much anymore. When a guy comes up to me, I think about Adam. Not anymore about how much I loved him, but how much he had hurt me in the end. Even to this day, I don't believe in true love. I thought I had experienced it, but it was all a lie. I have heard from former friends of his that he had been fooling around with girls throughout our relationship. So, you can only imagine how I was feeling, how I still am feeling.

What I know for sure is that what I felt for him I thought was real. But really, it was the love I had for being in love. I think that love is being unselfish, in making that person happy, in treating that person with respect, never allowing that person to question his/her role in the relationship. But, Adam was selfish, he didn't care about respecting me, he cared about how many girls he could get in a limited amount of time.

I will never forget the moment when I first told him I loved him. He was the first person that I loved outside of my family. He told me that I didn't know what I was talking about; that I didn't know him. He didn't return with an "I love you, too." And I remember feeling like an idiot for expressing something that I thought he would be happy to hear, instead hearing him scold me. Wow, talk about feeling like nothing.

SO, right now, I am single, not looking for the type of guy Adam was, but instead hoping to be impressed by someone. I am a little more vocal now about what I want, what I need, and what makes me happy. After being depressed for more than a year, I began to study Buddhism so that I can learn to be more calm, to be at peace with myself.

With every person that has come and gone through my life, with every epxerience that I have gained, whether good or bad, I have learned to keep my head up high, to not allow anyone to hurt me, and to stay on my path.

I appreciate everything that has occured in my life because I had an opportunity to see how strong of a person I am. I believe in myself and in my abilities to be an amazing friend, student, and ultimately a doctor.